Funny how bitterness can sweep in and consume you without you even noticing it.
One of the boys in my day care was very bitter this week. His brother got something he didn't and it made him very angry. He would try to sneakingly hurt his brother when I wasn't looking. This jealousy was consuming him.
I understand the hurt he was going through even though my hurt was different and has gone much deeper and longer. Part of my problem was I ignored the warnings and went ahead and did something anyway. But when you can help someone out, you do it.
I have dealt with this on several different occasions and for awhile there was a solution, but that solution was only to be a temporary one. I have prayed for the ones who have hurt me to realize what they've done. Something would happen and I would think, "Now they'll understand." But no. They did things they shouldn't be doing and each time they would, I'd feel like I was stabbed in the back. How many times should one get hurt?
I held onto Jesus telling Peter how many times we should forgive, "I tell you not seven times, but seventy times seven" and the verse "love keeps no record of wrongs." I have forgiven and forgiven, only to be hurt again or put on the back burner of their lives.
This last time I felt stabbed though has really done me in. I had hope they wouldn't make the decision they did, but they did anyway. So once again I knew nothing would change, in fact, the problem for me would only grow worse.
There have been times lately, when I haven't even wanted to see them much less talk to them. The bitterness against them grew deeper. I even began to feel depressed, "How can someone do this to me? I try to do the right things, sure I make mistakes but for the most part I think I try and stay in God's light on the path He has for me."
This time though it was harder for me, a lot harder. God though found a way to speak to me through two messages. One reminded me I can't manipulate and control the situation and the other God will bless you, you just need to get rid of what's blocking you from truly seeing God. This is when I realized I had let bitterness into my heart.
Because of this I had stopped feeling God's blessings. Last month was not a good month, extra money was required of us. My day care business dropped to a low. Tempers were higher.
After laying everything at His feet, I have seen God's blessings. He has brought me back one day care child and I have the chance to get two more. God is good, All the time but sometimes I get in the way of His goodness. I need to not hold things in, but leave them at the foot of the cross.
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